M.I.A.

I haven’t posted for a couple days. To be honest I haven’t had the motivation. I don’t know what has come over me but the last couple of days have been brutal. One of the things I absolutely cannot stand is attention. I do not like complaining or asking for help or venting. I feel so pathetic when I do. But here, no one knows who I am. So tonight, I’m laying it out. I can no longer stand what I have become. Do you know what it’s like to look in the mirror and cry? Do you know what it feels like to sit in a room of people and feel alone and unloved? I feel like this all the time and I am so worn. I want no one to care, and then I want the people who I love, who I appreciate so much to care about me. I make no sense. Nothing in my life ever has. I feel so empty, the hole that God filled is leaking because my walls are going up and I’m so afraid, and I’m a coward. I don’t know what recovery is, I don’t want it, i hate it, I love it, I need it. I am at a 6 way street, and I am looking ahead and every road I could take is covered in fog.. I should say, this is not me giving up, this is a bad night, and a lost soul looking for some way to put words to how I feel. And you know, I could have left this whole post blank and it would sum it up better than the words I have written.

Advertisements

5 comments

  1. wisewoodpidgeon · October 14, 2015

    I’m so sorry you are feeling low, and crappy and empty and worn out. Thank you for being honest. I wish I could provide you with a warm welcoming cave where you could hide out for a few days – and not have to face the world or anyone you didn’t want to face. And you could take some time out to rest and relax and recharge – as much time as you wanted or needed; time to just ‘be’. Somewhere where you could be protected and safe. Then, when you were ready you could go back and rejoin the real world, if you wanted… or not. I’d like to offer you time out from your current world, a safe haven, a place of peace and rest. I don’t know how to do that from this part of the world – but please know that you are cared for. And I’m not sure what I can offer you other than to remind you that you are loved – even if you don’t see it right now, you are special and precious and unique. And I hope that tomorrow will feel different from today. And I wish you peace…

    Like

    • warpedintentions · October 14, 2015

      Thank you so much for this. You said you didn’t know what you could do to help from your part of the world, well this is more than I could ask for. I have no idea who you are but you make me smile every single day. Your comments make me Hapoy and I want you to know that.

      Liked by 1 person

      • wisewoodpidgeon · October 15, 2015

        I’m so pleased my words help to make you smile. I know I’ve said it before but I’ve been there too, been really low and thought about suicide a lot years ago, so if I can encourage one other person, then it’s all worthwhile. It is a privilege to be able to have a positive impact in someone else’s life, so thank YOU for giving me the opportunity. Once again, I wish you peace šŸ˜Š

        Liked by 1 person

  2. The Mount · October 14, 2015

    You are worth it, keep going. Hopefully there will be a light somewhere at the end of a dark tunnel. I don’t know what to say to help, except that God knows you need Him even more when you feel you lose all hope. I will pray for you and I really hope tomorrow brings a better day. I can’t imagine being in your position, but I know a friend who had an eating disorder and is now healthy. At one point she thought of giving up and it took her a long time to get back to this stage but she did it. I know you can too, it just needs time. God bless xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • warpedintentions · October 15, 2015

      Thank you for your encouraging words. I know God has me in his best interests and is holding my heart. I am trying to hard to remember that every day. I hope to someday be able to overcome all of this and all of the obstacles it entails.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s