I haven’t posted for a couple days. To be honest I haven’t had the motivation. I don’t know what has come over me but the last couple of days have been brutal. One of the things I absolutely cannot stand is attention. I do not like complaining or asking for help or venting. I feel so pathetic when I do. But here, no one knows who I am. So tonight, I’m laying it out. I can no longer stand what I have become. Do you know what it’s like to look in the mirror and cry? Do you know what it feels like to sit in a room of people and feel alone and unloved? I feel like this all the time and I am so worn. I want no one to care, and then I want the people who I love, who I appreciate so much to care about me. I make no sense. Nothing in my life ever has. I feel so empty, the hole that God filled is leaking because my walls are going up and I’m so afraid, and I’m a coward. I don’t know what recovery is, I don’t want it, i hate it, I love it, I need it. I am at a 6 way street, and I am looking ahead and every road I could take is covered in fog.. I should say, this is not me giving up, this is a bad night, and a lost soul looking for some way to put words to how I feel. And you know, I could have left this whole post blank and it would sum it up better than the words I have written.