It feels like..

If there is anything that makes the days so hard it is the thoughts that take over your mind and body in everything you do. For those of you who may be reading this and cannot understand, I hope this post helps. I know what you think when you read about eating disorders. The girl won’t eat, well why not just sit down and force yourself to eat. Just. Eat. It’s that simple. Or, the bulimic, why do you have to throw up after you eat? Just keep it down. Tell yourself you deserve the food and keep it inside. I want people to understand that we only wish it were this simple, and we try. The starving girl eats and tells herself it is okay, that she needs it. Only to be in a fit of tears soon after and punishing herself with a blade to the skin because the guilt she feels is just too much. The bulimic eats one fear food and says it is a challenge, only to end up afraid of the weight gain and moments later, a head in the porcelain bowl. The attempts are given, failed, tried some more, it is a trap in a vicious cycle. I want to tell you what it is like. I want to give you a feel for a day in the life of an anorexic. Anorexia is:
Lying to your friends about your plans because you are too insecure about how you look fat in your favorite jeans.

Being afraid of food above 100 calories.

Working out past your limits when you barely even have the energy to walk half a mile.

Comparing your body to every. Single. Person. You see on the street.

Body checking every day, to see what has gone and what needs to go.

Weighing yourself after eating anything.

Crying when the scale goes up, even half a pound.

Laying on your floor at night crying because you are so tired, so hungry, but you will not eat. You refuse. Because eating is failure.

Trying daily to tell yourself none of this is true, none of it matters. But it is far too etched into your heart that it does.

Lying. “I already ate.” “I’m not hungry” “I ate at my friends house.” “I’m so full.”

This is our life. This is my life, I’m falling further and further into old habits and I fight and pray daily but something inside just cannot let go of this unbelievable desire to be skinny, a desire I do not understand. I don’t think I ever will.