It feels like..

If there is anything that makes the days so hard it is the thoughts that take over your mind and body in everything you do. For those of you who may be reading this and cannot understand, I hope this post helps. I know what you think when you read about eating disorders. The girl won’t eat, well why not just sit down and force yourself to eat. Just. Eat. It’s that simple. Or, the bulimic, why do you have to throw up after you eat? Just keep it down. Tell yourself you deserve the food and keep it inside. I want people to understand that we only wish it were this simple, and we try. The starving girl eats and tells herself it is okay, that she needs it. Only to be in a fit of tears soon after and punishing herself with a blade to the skin because the guilt she feels is just too much. The bulimic eats one fear food and says it is a challenge, only to end up afraid of the weight gain and moments later, a head in the porcelain bowl. The attempts are given, failed, tried some more, it is a trap in a vicious cycle. I want to tell you what it is like. I want to give you a feel for a day in the life of an anorexic. Anorexia is:
Lying to your friends about your plans because you are too insecure about how you look fat in your favorite jeans.

Being afraid of food above 100 calories.

Working out past your limits when you barely even have the energy to walk half a mile.

Comparing your body to every. Single. Person. You see on the street.

Body checking every day, to see what has gone and what needs to go.

Weighing yourself after eating anything.

Crying when the scale goes up, even half a pound.

Laying on your floor at night crying because you are so tired, so hungry, but you will not eat. You refuse. Because eating is failure.

Trying daily to tell yourself none of this is true, none of it matters. But it is far too etched into your heart that it does.

Lying. “I already ate.” “I’m not hungry” “I ate at my friends house.” “I’m so full.”

This is our life. This is my life, I’m falling further and further into old habits and I fight and pray daily but something inside just cannot let go of this unbelievable desire to be skinny, a desire I do not understand. I don’t think I ever will.

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5 comments

  1. ChardeKing · October 8, 2015

    Wow thank you for sharing this is really deep. I know it is a real psychological challenge behind it not as easy as just eat.

    Liked by 1 person

    • warpedintentions · October 8, 2015

      Thank you for reading, all of the support on here means the world to me. 🙂

      Like

  2. pan-sexy · October 9, 2015

    this is beautiful and so true, thank you so much for sharing this. so many people pretend eds aren’t real or they don’t have one because trying to get into someone with an eating disorders head or even thinking about eds is hard. thank you for telling me to read this. thank you so much, you are so strong and beautiful, keep your head up and you can get through this.

    btw do you have a recovery buddy/are you interested in having one?

    stay strong i’m here for you darling.

    Liked by 1 person

    • warpedintentions · October 9, 2015

      I do not have a recovery buddy, but that would be super great to have one. Break the cycle of ana/mia buddies. Thank you for reading and I am so happy you liked what I wrote.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. pan-sexy · October 10, 2015

    my email is crying.cat.mau@gmail.com and im on every weekday.

    Like

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