Dear mom:

By blood you reside in my life, but your burden is too much for me to carry.

The words that crawl away from your lips linger in my ears, leaving an aching laceration of the knives in my back.

I remember when my heart was young, I had eyes that longed to love, but one can be defeated so much before love turns to tolerance of the realization you were never who I wished you to be.

The abandonment changed something inside, and yet my mind still searches for the words to describe how the girl who you thought looked up to you, is insulted by the concept of being anything like.

My ambitions and intent just don’t seem enough to witness the smiles I have all but dreamed.

And if I can’t be enough, then all I can say is I am not yours and that is okay.

My worth doesn’t lie in the hands of your contempt and my smile doesn’t wither at the sound of your voice.

The power you have is no longer here, my home is far away and no longer within your fear.

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The Used

Tonight my best friend is taking me out for a surprise, I have no idea what it is but she told me to dress really warm. Tomorrow I’m spending the whole day with another friend adventuring downtown. On Sunday, I am going to an all day college bible study. Sometimes, I feel it is as if I’m using people to distract myself from my own demise. The people I spend the most time with are obviously people I adore or else I wouldn’t spend so much time with them. But then, why is it I can’t shake the feeling that I’m just pursuing the time for my own benefit of not eating or not thinking about food? I hate that this controls my mind to this degree. I want to strive to really change. I want to be better, I want a better me. A meaningful me. A me who doesn’t hide from the fact that I need help. A me who can face God standing tall because I know what I am and what needs to be done in my heart. And maybe one day, this me will be revealed and until then, I’m still happy for where I am. A bit misguided and confused, I’m exactly where I should be.

M.I.A.

I haven’t posted for a couple days. To be honest I haven’t had the motivation. I don’t know what has come over me but the last couple of days have been brutal. One of the things I absolutely cannot stand is attention. I do not like complaining or asking for help or venting. I feel so pathetic when I do. But here, no one knows who I am. So tonight, I’m laying it out. I can no longer stand what I have become. Do you know what it’s like to look in the mirror and cry? Do you know what it feels like to sit in a room of people and feel alone and unloved? I feel like this all the time and I am so worn. I want no one to care, and then I want the people who I love, who I appreciate so much to care about me. I make no sense. Nothing in my life ever has. I feel so empty, the hole that God filled is leaking because my walls are going up and I’m so afraid, and I’m a coward. I don’t know what recovery is, I don’t want it, i hate it, I love it, I need it. I am at a 6 way street, and I am looking ahead and every road I could take is covered in fog.. I should say, this is not me giving up, this is a bad night, and a lost soul looking for some way to put words to how I feel. And you know, I could have left this whole post blank and it would sum it up better than the words I have written.

Mixed emotions and all the best

Today has been interesting to say the least. My morning did’t go too well. My mother got onto me about little things that were blown far out of proportion, maybe it would have destroyed my day, but the weird thing is, it didn’t. My friend was angry with her family, and took it out on me, but I forgive her, I’m still smiling. Today is the first day in over 6 months where i have had a positive body image. Don’t get me wrong, I still feel big, but I am happy with myself today. This feeling, is so rare, and so today I decided to challenge my ED. I decided to make today a fear food challenge day, because what better day to do it than when you are feeling comfortable in your own skin. For those of you who are thinking what the heck is a “fear food”, it is any food that I have made scary to myself over the years due to the calories that are in it. I stay far away from food I honestly would probably still love, but I am too terrified to eat it. Pasta, seafood, chocolate, pizza, just to name a few. So today I went out to lunch with my friend, and I ate out. I was a normal girl today. I was aware that I was eating a lot of calories, and yes I feel guilty, but today my ED will not win, today I win. Today I am keeping this food inside of me, and tomorrow will probably be back to freaking out and back to restricting and hating myself for what I did today, but I will worry about that when it comes. Because today is today, and I am doing okay.

The help

The last two weeks have been very challenging. More challenging than the last couple of months. I am not sure what has made that so. I honestly don’t know what to even write about today. I feel like a broken record, replaying the same feeling and thought over and over again. I apologize to whoever may care. The other night, I heard some great words that spoke to my heart. When you are lost and down, go serve others. I am feeling so vulnerable and insecure lately, so what am I going to do to fix that? Well, I am going to help others more. I am going to put myself into everyone I love and even strangers because that is all I can do. It is my way of making sure that, if only for a day that person will not feel or think lowly of themselves or their lives. I just want to immerse myself in others, and God. I know it won’t exactly take my mind of of everything, but at least I can attempt to be selfless during this time. I encourage you all to do the same, whether you are so incredibly happy or sad, go serve your God, go serve others, I promise you will feel better.

It feels like..

If there is anything that makes the days so hard it is the thoughts that take over your mind and body in everything you do. For those of you who may be reading this and cannot understand, I hope this post helps. I know what you think when you read about eating disorders. The girl won’t eat, well why not just sit down and force yourself to eat. Just. Eat. It’s that simple. Or, the bulimic, why do you have to throw up after you eat? Just keep it down. Tell yourself you deserve the food and keep it inside. I want people to understand that we only wish it were this simple, and we try. The starving girl eats and tells herself it is okay, that she needs it. Only to be in a fit of tears soon after and punishing herself with a blade to the skin because the guilt she feels is just too much. The bulimic eats one fear food and says it is a challenge, only to end up afraid of the weight gain and moments later, a head in the porcelain bowl. The attempts are given, failed, tried some more, it is a trap in a vicious cycle. I want to tell you what it is like. I want to give you a feel for a day in the life of an anorexic. Anorexia is:
Lying to your friends about your plans because you are too insecure about how you look fat in your favorite jeans.

Being afraid of food above 100 calories.

Working out past your limits when you barely even have the energy to walk half a mile.

Comparing your body to every. Single. Person. You see on the street.

Body checking every day, to see what has gone and what needs to go.

Weighing yourself after eating anything.

Crying when the scale goes up, even half a pound.

Laying on your floor at night crying because you are so tired, so hungry, but you will not eat. You refuse. Because eating is failure.

Trying daily to tell yourself none of this is true, none of it matters. But it is far too etched into your heart that it does.

Lying. “I already ate.” “I’m not hungry” “I ate at my friends house.” “I’m so full.”

This is our life. This is my life, I’m falling further and further into old habits and I fight and pray daily but something inside just cannot let go of this unbelievable desire to be skinny, a desire I do not understand. I don’t think I ever will.

The funny thing is, I think I got this

I have been doing a lot of thinking, and recently my thankful attitude has been shot. Of course I face daily challenges; maybe my home life isn’t very heart warming, not too many people want to know who I am or what I am about, I am insecure, and I am ironically so unbelievably happy. And you know something? It’s okay. I have no one to impress, just one God to serve. So, I have a confession. I gave my life to the Lord a few months ago. His grace and love have been working in areas in my life and heart that I once thought were irreparable. The one thing I continually let detour me on this journey is my biggest fear, my loudest sin, my biggest secret. I have been beating myself for making this commitment and change and not being able to just shut my eating disorder off. As I am growing in Christ, I am learning that this is not what is expected of me. Change takes time, and He wants me for all I am. He wants my struggles, pain, laughter, happiness, all I have to offer, and as I grow in him, I can also slowly grow out of this. Words cannot begin to explain the gratitude I feel to have the blessing of going about this in front of the most loving, forgiving, steadfast man this world has ever had to offer.

When you’re nothing

Today I had to face the awful truth I had only thought was made up in my mind. Today, my mother told me I am not enough. Today, my mother cried as she compared me to other daughters, my friends, to let me know I am not all I should be,  Something you must know is that she doesn’t know what I am. She is oblivious to the nights I spent purging in the shower at 1 am, the refusing to eat dinner, the lying, the stories, the protection I have tried to make for myself. I am crippled by an unknown fear of the words that would escape her mouth if she were let in on my past, my present, myself. I am sitting here at my computer to vent to absolutely no one and my hands are shaking, and God, I might just break at any moment. What do you do when you hear something like this? My mind cannot comprhend what has just been told to me.  So, here I am. I am not sure how I feel. Empty, lost….no idea what to do. If anyone is out there, just please know that you are worth so much more than anything anyone ever tries to put on you. You are worth more than the downgrade people hand you, you are more. You are so so much more.

Today

You know when you have one of those days where inside you are falling apart, but you cant help but feel thankful for all that you have? You can’t stop smiling at everyone else’s happiness because you know how it feels to be in a darker place and you would never wish it upon anyone else in a million years. These strangers, with their stolen pasts and broken dreams, they walk down the streets, trying to keep up with their kids, they work 9-5, they take on every aspect that life has given to them. They never gave up on their life. And you know, it really is quite admirable. I feel so humbled when I see these people. They remind me that I really don’t need to act like the entire world is against me. Sometimes when I walk down the street, I wonder if people can see right past me and see the quivering girl inside. Some days I am too afraid to look up from the ground, but others I feel as though nothing can stop me. I own my look, myself and everything that I am. Today was not one of those days. Today I want to cry. Today I want to curl up in a ball and not let anyone touch me, I don’t want anyone to know how much I am hurting, and I do not want to let anyone in. Today, I am afraid, and I am tired. But there is always tomorrow, and maybe tomorrow will be bring a brighter sun.