Today was one of those funny days, where everything seemed okay. I felt like a human in a world where I belonged and things were normal for a moment. Underneath the feeling of happiness, my darkness of a secret still lingers. But attitude and a little prayer had gone a long way. Today was simply a good day. Nothing special happened. I still fought with food, I fought with myself. But I couldn’t help but smile. Tonight I went to church, the one place where I feel like everything will be okay. Afterwards I talked with a friend. We were trying to go home but her presence is a light. I laughed, I felt good, and I really realized how blessed I am. Life is a mess, heck my life is a disaster. A beautiful one at that. And not because everything is getting better, not because my days are perfect. But because I have all I need, even if I battle with myself. I have a God who’s love is pouring into my soul, who knows how hard I’m fighting, though I just can’t seem to win. I have met magnificent people who make me forget what I am going through, for the slightest of moments. I am struggling, but I am happy. And it doesn’t make sense to be both, but life never made sense anyway.
Today I closed my eyes and I was laughing with my friends. We went to the park and ate ice cream and not a single second thought was given. But when I open my heavy eyes, I am curled up in my bed. They are laughing, I am crying. They are going to the beach, I am the cold waves that brush against their feet. I gave you everything I ever had. I played your games and you let me win. The feat of numbers crashing down, the way the delicate bridge under my shirt flashed so lightly in the mirror. My depleting energy was the badge of hard work. Kissing death was a dance under the moon. When I reached the top, I was never number one. You lied, and I loved you. You are the best friend I have ever had. And I wish I had never met you.
Fragile, interrupted, happy, young, I am on a journey. It is not the kind you pack a bag for, or where you miraculously find yourself after spending some time alone. I do not need a coat or a car, I just need to be. Who I am is not a matter of importance, I am your daughter, your brother, a stranger on the street. This blog is a muse for eating disorder recovery, and I had a wonderful idea about the things I would share. The great stories, and the times when I break, the triumphs and the mishaps. But, the truth is, this is my life. I don’t know that I am recovering, I am not even sure I know who I am. I do know, however, that some days are beautiful. Days filled with unexpected laughs and inspiration, and you start to think that this is all worth it, that you can make it. The next day everyone is against you and nothing is right. Your world is shredding at the seams, but it’s just your head playing a friendly little game. Hidden under the mask of anonymity, here you will find a story. The story of a girl fighting a battle that seems to never be won. It is beautiful and tragic, pathetic and heart breaking. I am not sure who will listen, but I am here in hopes that venting helps. I am here to tell strangers about my journey, so that one day, I can finally be free.